My brother is in pain and so Community Hospital sent a “humor therapist” to the room and she played the kazoo. Thanks, but that’s not meds or the doctor, yo. Is this real life?
I’m at the hospital because my brother has pancreatitis and was diagnosed with diabetes. He’s asleep and I’m sitting here in the room with both my parents and it’s a very strange feeling.
They’ve been divorced for about 12 years and haven’t been in the room with them and my brother since…maybe a funeral? But alone, just the four of us…that hasn’t happened for years. In fact, probably not since they were together.
I’m sitting between them and we’re all watching tv and not speaking much. The occasional stare at my brother when he moves or makes a noise.
This is the most family time I’ve had in a long time.
Things have been strange.
I don’t have much mind energy to put what’s been going on into words, but they have been strange. I’m becoming insecure about the way I am/speak/react/behave towards people. Whether it’s my friends or people I’ve just met. I’m uncomfortable with myself. The exhaustion from everything has caused me to be more and more anti social and uninterested in people. I’ve been impatient and zoned out mostly. I haven’t been much of a listener. And when I talk it doesn’t make much sense.
This scares me. And I know I should be focused on now and today (and not worry about tomorrow or the future), but as a human, it’s just natural. I’m scared about the state I’ll be in when I move to Austin. Will I still be tired? Will I be antisocial? Will I be a zombie? Will I make friends? Will I even be interested in the people I already know who live there?
I’ve found myself annoyed with people. Everyone seems so in my face and loud and my personality is calm and quiet. I don’t say much and I don’t show much. I have been a bit written off because of it. Kind of like I can’t function with people my age because they’re busy partying, playing mind games with each other, causing drama, and all this junk and all I wanna do is go to the park and climb dams or go have a couple drinks with a friend or two or bike around or write. I feel strange. And I feel unloving. I’m not sure how to love people quite yet.
I’m thinking the move will help with this. I’m trying every single day to be kind to everyone and to genuinely care for their existence, but it is hard. I catch myself gossiping or talking down to people. I’m losing patience for them also. The main reason I think I’ve been struggling with this lately is I haven’t spend any time with God. Zero. When that stops, even for a couple days, I tend to fall right back into old habits and lose peace and patience and all the good stuff. I keep getting distracted. But back to the move, I think it’ll be good because I plan to spend a lot of time alone and seeking God. I’ll have a lot more time on my hands. I wont be in school. I wont have my best friends there to ask to hang out whenever. I wont have much, honestly, but God and I’ll sort of have no choice but to seek Him. I know that sounds bad, but really, it is difficult for me to focus and spend time with him.
Clara really helped me last night. I was having really bad thoughts and was scared. I felt sort of childish, but I am incredibly thankful for that girl. I couldn’t love her more if I tried. She might go to the state park with me on Wednesday. I hope so. It’s really pretty out there and I need more best friend time.
I got to hang out with Bernie tonight and that made me happy and sad. I realized tonight how much I’m going to miss him. We went skateboarding, looked at the stars and talked, drove around and listened to thug rap. He said he’d climb over the dam into the state park with me whenever I decided to do it. It’s going to be hard not having him in Austin, exploring with me and driving aimlessly around. That really hurts hard. But maybe I’ll find someone over there who also enjoys those things. It wont be nearly the same, though.
I thought I had something else to add. I’m pretty beat, so I can’t remember. I’m gong to call it a night.
Yup. Those are exactly my thoughts upon waking up. You know me so well, Starbucks. #dacaffeines
I’ve decided to go to bed at 9:30. We’ll see if I get everything out by then.
Today was good. I only spent about 40 minutes studying for my biology exam this morning, but I’m pretty sure I passed it. Maybe not a good pass, but passed. As for my Spanish exam, eh, we’ll see. I got most of the conjugation down, but as far as writing full, grammatically correct sentences…not so much.
I hope the rest of this doesn’t sound too whiny. Oh well.
After school I went to Cheddar’s to have a Monster Cookie with Clara since she was working. That trip made me a bit angry. The general manager got upset with me because I wasn’t scheduled tonight. “In the weeks you’ve worked here you haven’t worked ONE Friday night.” I told him I wasn’t scheduled for any of them and he told me it was my fault. That’s dumb…I don’t make the schedule. He was upset because they didn’t have enough people to cover the floor so he asked me to help, but I already had other plans (which included relaxing after a stressful week, peh). Which made him upset and he proceeded to say other rude and uncalled for comments to me. I’ve had some pretty awful managers throughout the years (I’ve worked at McDonalds for crying out loud) and never have I had one be that nasty to someone for something that wasn’t their fault to begin with. I’m honestly just shocked.
I don’t know how to react to it.
Anyway, after that I went out to the State Park with Charlie to have some time to relax. I found it costs $4 to enter. Lame. I’ve become extremely annoyed that all good adventure spots in Angelo are either off limits or cost money. I tried not to let that ruin my trip. I drove pretty far into the park. I passed some cabins that I didn’t even know existed, tons of people who have RVs parked out there, and saw a beeeeeeautiful view of OC Fisher. The drought has caused OC to dry out completely, but the openness and hugeness of the area was quite the site. It was almost like it never ended, but continued into an infinity of bushes, dry weeds, rocks, and occasional hills. I’m obsessed with dams. I keep seeing these huge, concrete dams when I venture out and I want to climb them for some reason.
I want to go into detail of the whole trip, but I’ll keep it short. Me and Charlie walked pretty far into the lake. I felt sad for the lake because it was all dried up. What once was a hit spot for easter trips, swimming, fishing, boating, etc. is now just all dried up and little humans like me are able to walk in it. I made this dam that was in the distance my destination, but about halfway there we were stopped by a really thick and sketchy bushes. And I’m not about to get me, or my dog, bitten by a snake. I got lost on my way back to the car, but eventually climbed a pile of rocks and saw a good path to take back. I got scared by a deer, I scared a family of rabbits, and I got the poo scared out of me when a flock of birds flew away and the noise sounded like a growling…wild animal. I was paranoid about bobcats and hogs and for the first time thought, “I should buy a gun.”
I talked to myself some of the time. I also picked up and examined a lot of cool rocks and shells. I also began to think about God and how a lot of the time when I go out into nature I feel him the closest. I think maybe it’s because it’s quiet…I’m quiet. And I have nothing left to think about than “wow, look at all this. look at that tree! look at that rock! look, look, look!” and I feel like a child. I’m surrounded by these hueg things, even if it’s just openness, and I’m so small. And so everything is so new. I feel like I’m a kid and God is the openness and all the trees, rocks, shells, and everything are like little Christmas gifts and He’s just watching me unwrap and getting excited about it. It’s a strange feeling to describe. And incredible experience. And I’m not sure I care if this makes sense.
The other thing I realized, once we finally made it back to the car, is as I drover further out, the dam I was going towards is 1.able to drive to and 2.is along the bigger dam that is about a 5 minute drive from my house. All it would take for me to get into the State Park (free of charge!) is to climb the other side of the dam which is open to the public for running, walking, biking, etc. And I would also be able to access the cement dam from it! Maybe I’m getting to adventurous, but I’m happy exploring.
I am home now and safe from all the scary birds and hogs. I was just thinking how I’m excited for Austin. I have bad days where I doubt it’s a good decision, but today was a good day. I feel really confident. I’m trying to get my intentions in check. My priority upon arrival is to remain calm. I know myself enough to know I’m going to lose it the first couple of days, but I need to remind myself of a few things.
Dear future Michelle,
Welp, you’ve made it. You’re in Austin. Now what? Everyone just went back to Angelo and now you’re all alone. Whatcha goona do? DON’T PANIC. Look here. I’m assuming Charlie is with you because, duh, it’s Charlie. Take her to Zilker and sit under that huge tree that you eyeballed the last two times you were there. FIND HORCHATA ASAP. There’s gotta be a place around there. You have things to do, so don’t worry about being bored. Lonely? Call up someone you know. You know people. They like you enough to go have some froyo or something. Don’t worry about finding friends, it’ll take time, but remember that throughout your life when you found good ones, ya found good ones so don’t worry about fitting in with everyone right away. DON’T…DO NOT…EVER….CALL A BREAKFAST BURRITO…A
taco. NOT EVEN WORTHY OF CAPITAL LETTERS. Also, don’t end up like those pretentious Austinites. You know what I mean, I don’t have to go into detail. Screw “scenes” and what’s “cool” if you like it or if it sounds like something you’d enjoy, GO. Don’t let that voice tell you you’re too good for something. Also, find a church. Okay so you haven’t been to one in like a year by now, GO. No, shut up, GO. Find one. Call Clara. Cry maybe? She’ll say “ya just gotta give it time. you’ll be fine…HARLEE!!!!!!!!!” Whole foods! That exists there! Okay, on a serious note, self, remember why you’re doing this. Comfort isn’t always the key to satisfaction. And safety isn’t always the key to happiness. You’ll be okay. God has you in his hands. It WILL be worth every sacrifice you made to come here. Be patient.
Is that weird? Did I just give my future self a pep talk? Oh, hey look, it’s 10:30, I’ve been babbling for an hour. k beeeeeeeye.